Heart2Heart: The Shallow Issues With Deep Impact

We call people shallow when all they think about is appearances. Oh she’s fatGee, look at her flat nose... Whoa! Volcano face! Have you thought of the people on the receiving end? What if you’re the person being picked on? I have to admit, I do that sometimes, on the bitchy side, I mean. C’mon. I never said I was an angel. However, I’ve also been on the receiving end. I was insecure in many ways and during my teenage years, I always thought it sucked to be me.

 

random selca

You’ve seen my FOTDs lately and you might think I’m lucky to have better skin which looks presentable with just concealer and powder. Note presentable, not flawless. I am already in my mid-30s. What you don’t see is my crown and my whole body. When I was young, I had a lot of hair. However, when I was in my teens, I began losing hair, faster than they grow, and now, I have thinner looking hair. I don’t have a bald patch, but I do envy those of you with lotsa hair on your crown. I discovered it’s hormonal so I learned to accept it. At least I can do without a wig >.<

Then comes body. I’ve never been thin. I’m a mesomorph/endomorph. I have a bigger build, straight broad shoulders that even swimmers envy and I do gain fat easily. I’ve never been thin and I’ve never worn a size S. My friends at school called me fat when I really just had bigger boobs and my mom still tells me I’m fat even when I’m already a mother of 2. Look at her. She has 4 children and still looks fit. I get angry when I hear things like this, and think my mom should find someone else to pick on. It’s been more than 30 years already! However, truthfully, I AM overweight at the moment. I used to hunch my shoulders to hide my boobs and I’d wear loose clothes to hide my non existent waist line. That was until I hit my 30s, got my first child, and I accepted myself being who I was, whatever size I was. Maybe it’s this acceptance that made me fatter? LOL!

I am turning 35 years old in 3 days. That’s middle age, ladies. Instead of thinking about losing weight to look better, I want to be healthier. I want to be lighter with stronger muscles so that it is less taxing on my bones and joints. I want to be able to walk straight when I’m 70. I hurt my back a few months ago, and I don’t ever want to be that immobile ever again. I picked up jogging recently, and when running just 300m made me pant, I could jog 1.5km yesterday before breaking for a walk, then jogged again. I am going to a local gym tomorrow to sign up for classes because I realised lifting weights is just too darn boring for me. I remember enjoying Body Pump and Boxercise. I have been eating cleaner but I have my off days when I’d eat junk then be guilty after.

I’m fickle and I’ve always admitted it, and unless I want something really very badly, I’d probably change my mind or just give up before I get anywhere. I also need to make this decision on my own, because if someone forced the idea on me, I’d just tell them to piss off. I am a difficult person. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything wrong with me.

I decided to write this post because I need the extra motivation and commitment to get healthy. I need to drop 2 dress sizes for starters before slowly building more muscles and tone up the body. I’m getting sick of that flabby lose skin which I remember I proudly called the sacrifice of a mom. I need to stop making excuses for me to be OK settling for inertia when I can start a momentum, and start making changes no matter how small.

Mid life crisis? Maybe.

If it’s for the healthier, why not, eh? Maybe I should even start a diary of my journey and keep you updated on a monthly basis too, who knows? You’re welcome to join me. My mind and resolve are still wavering so I hope I can stick with it long enough to see more results which will then become a motivation on its own. Wish me luck?

 

xoxo Lily